Be an Example: Educate Homophobic Lunch Mates
Yesterday, our son, Aidan, came home from school quite upset about something that he had witnessed at lunchtime. He and his twin brother, Shea, just started middle school and are adjusting well to the new adventures and challenges that being in junior high brings. But yesterday Aidan witnessed discrimination and wasn't sure how to digest it all. It seems that a group of older, "popular" boys were taunting a couple as they were trying to eat lunch. They were spouting off insulting and rude comments, while trying to make a spectacle of the fact that the girls were gay. Aidan said he sat at the table next to the occurrence dismayed and upset, yet uncertain as to what he should do. "How could they say those mean things? Why do they care so much if the girls like each other?" he asked me.
He knows all about gay rights and the struggles that same-sex couples face, but I don't think he had ever seen it really play out right before his eyes. Steve and I have been dedicated to fighting for equality since the kids were small. We have explained our views and why we feel it is important to stand up for anyone in society who is not afforded equal rights. On more than one occasion, the kids have wanted to join us on marches or at rallies. We would never make them attend. We understand that each individual cultivates ideas about what issues are important to them, and just because one's parents might find a matter significant, doesn't necessarily mean that the whole family does. Sometimes they want to come and sometimes they don't; but our main goal is that they learn to respect others and to have veracity when it comes to standing up for those issues that they find meaningful.
This isn't the first time that one of our kids has witnessed bigotry. Our daughter, Brynn, had a friend in 8th grade chased home by a group of boys, as they threw rocks and teased him, merely because he was gay. Because his parents denied that he was homosexual, he called our house and asked me and Steve if we could help him to notify the school about what happened. Another of her friends, a female, was sent away to a gay reparative therapy institution when her parents found out that she had a crush on another girl at her school. While I find these stories all incredible and disheartening, I can clearly see that the rate at which they occur must have a direct correlation to the stance of so many in our society. I mean, in my state, the majority of voters decided to vote yes on Prop. 8, thus taking the right to marry away from a huge percentage of California's citizens. I know this mentality is not only out there, but in many areas, prevails; it still just startles me when it manifests itself and I find it frustrating that our society has regressed to this point in regards to civil rights.
Move Ahead Photo by braindead-revolution
There have been numerous discussions and posts on this site in reference to gay marriage; and while that issue is still crucially significant to me, my focus here today is not to debate same-sex liberties. Today, I just want to send a reminder as to the efficacy of setting a good example. Not only to children, but really, to everyone around you.
Be an example of acceptance and love. You might not realize it, but those around you pay attention. When you say something derogatory about another person; whether it be based on their gender, their skin color, their sexual orientation, their clothing, their hairstyle, their size ... whatever it may be, someone near you heard. Sometimes, the listener disagrees and can shrug it off; but sometimes, even subconsciously, your words have caustic significance.
Children really do learn from example (so do adults); so be a good one. There is no excuse for degrading another, especially for something so trivial as who they are attracted to. If we could really just learn to appreciate the good things about our fellow citizens instead of insulting their differences, there wouldn't be ugly examples such as the one that Aidan witnessed yesterday.
No matter what your stance is on gay marriage, take a stance on kindness. Take a stance on benevolence. Take a stance on positivity. As Mahatma Gandhi once said, "Be the change you want to see in the world." Be an example that others are proud to follow, instead of one that causes suffering. The choice is yours.
Thursday, August 27, 2009 at 9:17AM
Reader Comments (24)
Beautifully said. That is such a simple concept - to be kind to those around you. One that could change the world if we all started doing it. Thanks for the inspiration and support Jinxi. Much love.
It's hard enough to be a teen. Try being a gay teen and being picked on by boys like these. I hope those girls find support from other students who aren't homophobic. Don't hate...Educate.
Thank you...
If homo's do not repent in time here on earth they will be going to hell and i realy could'nt cant be around a homo while im eating knowing what they do with each others booty hole not sayin to mean to them but u should ignore them if a man refuses christ 3 times u should blot them out and never look back
well put jinxi
i will ignore "the truth teller"
because this is an important post and one i refuse to contribute to the comments section turning into a messy one
It always amazes me how adults teach kids that it is ok to be a hater.
"Someone took a shit in the gene pool" - NOFX
Oh and @ Tom Hughes - LOL, you sound like that stereotypical "straight" man who is worried about what other men do to each other. Just out of curiosity how much time exactly do you spend thinking about other men's "booty holes?"
awesome article jinxi.. i totally back u up. and that's awesome that you teach your kids such love and acceptance :)
I'm curious as to what advice you gave your sons?
@ everyone, thanks for your comments and for taking the time to read & write. I really appreciate it!
@ goreydetails, Thanks for asking. When Aidan talked to me, he was feeling regretful that he didn't step in and do something in that moment, but I told him that I understood how hard it is to know what the best thing to do in the heat of the moment sometimes & that he should trust his own judgment and speak & act when he feels comfortable doing so. I also told him that it would be really cool if he ever saw those two girls again around school, to let them know that he supports them; that even just smiling can convey your acceptance and support when people need it most. He agreed ... and knowing him, I believe that he will make a point to let them know just that.
It really saddens me to see that such discrimination has manifested in the behaviors of today's children. Weren't they supposed to be the pure ones? Things have gotten so bad with society's intolerance toward homosexuals. My own mother, who is gay, cried because she was so ashamed to tell even her won son that she is gay. That, to me, is a sign that things really need to change. More power to you for teaching your kids right from their birth to respect everyone equally. parents like you will hopefully change this world.
To the "TruthTeller".
Not everybody believes in your white mans' god. So, it's fine and dandy if you have your own way of thinking, even though your way of thinking is very one sided, don't push you religion onto other people. Besides doesn't it say in the bible not to judge? It's not abut sex anyway. It's about love for everyone in this world.
Well said Jinxi! You are going to change the world!
to the "truth teller" i am a devout christian. but i don't think it is right for me to decide what is right for another person. i know what is right for me. and i'll continue to be a christian gay rights activist. everyone deserves to be happy. and i agree, why are you thinking about gay sex while you are eating? i think someone is repressing something....
You are such a beautiful person! You and Steve are great parents for teaching your kids love and the true beauty of diversity! Thank you both!
Wow, that is sad about his schoolmates, but a very moving story! You and Steve are some amazing parents, I must say.
To the person hiding behind the name Tom Hughes: What a well worded, eloquent comment. HA!
Now 'blot' us sinners out and be on your way.
I am currently attending high school sa a junor. I take AP classes like English, and honors classes like Physics. I am a staff sergeant in the ROTC program. I am liked by a lot of people for how i participate in school, but hated by a lot because i am a lesbian with tattoos and a mohawk. I added you, Jinxy, because i found your space off of my friends page, and loved your tattoos, the show on trading wives, and thought your relationship with your family was amazing. When you accepted i looked into your blogs and websites a little more. I found that you have amazing views, and are overall an amazing person. I dont think anyone could have said this piece as well as you. I admire the courage you have to be who you are and i wish everyone in todays world would be as open as you are. I wish people, like Aidan, didnt have to witness it, or people like me, have to go through it. Discrimination is useless and i want to say thank you for aknowledging it. This piece gives people a better understanding, hope for those who believe they are the only ones that go through discrimination struggles alone, and made my day a whole lot better!
Thanks
I think it would be interesting if someone wrote a book, or better yet, made a movie where a straight boy and girl fell in love in a world where the situation was flipped, and inter-gender relationships were subject to the same prejudices that same-sex relationships are in our society. A world where a boy and girl were teased, insulted, even beaten up for openly showing affection for one another. A world where a girl gets sent to a 'camp' to correct her sexual orientation when her parents catch her looking at boys. Where it is against the law for men and women to marry, or have children together.
What would the anti-gay marriage people take from it I wonder? My cynicism tells me, very little, but maybe some of them would be shocked into realizing what a scary place this world can be for those who are different.
Well said, Jinxi, and it saddens me that "popular" kids use their "power" to make the rest of us feel so small. May those girls find a group of loving, supportive friends, like I know your boys would be.
I think now more than ever your boys will put to good use all the wonderful lessons they have learned from example. Jinxi, I've always told you that you and Steve are amazing parents for raising those kids they way you are.
It breaks my heart to know that kids have that capability to be so cruel, but sadly it is something they learn.
Ugh... why can't there be more parents like you and Steve?
I love you guys.
Please let Aidan know that I am so proud of how tender and caring he is. Your three children are so beautiful and talented and tender-hearted, and I know that the five of you are such an outstanding family and such an example for all of us.
I am not about to start in on my views here again since everyone pretty much knows where I stand, so I expect noone to start in on me, either. I am going to say, though, that it works both ways. I have seen black people being just as cruel and prejudiced--and overly paranoid--to other people, and then claiming prejudism against themselves; I have seen other minority groups harassing people as well. I'm sure we all know what my views are by now, and you can choose to believe me or not believe me when I say this, but even though I may disagree with what someone else thinks, I would NEVER harass or harm them or call them names because they may think differently. In my opinion, there is a huge difference between exercising free speech and that speech becoming a hate crime. Someone stating their beliefs and backing them up with solid reasons of why, such as their faith, is not a hate crime. However, someone harassing someone else because of their actions or views IS a hate crime. Back at my parents' house up north, the guy who lives across the street is gay and he is a very nice man. IN fact, if he wasn't gay, I would ask him out, but I know that would never stand now because he is gay and I am straight, end of story. However, these idiots who used to live next door to him before they got kicked out were expressing a very good example of a hate crime to him, calling him derogatory names and in general harassing him. Now even I do not see the point in that or the right of them to do that. (He called the police on them whenever they did this, by the way). I have also seen minority groups of people showing hate to others for no reason at all. My point is, that Jinxi is right. No matter what our beliefs and opinions and views, we do not have the right to make life miserable for someone else just because they think differently than us. As a Christian, that is not showing love to someone else. I think it's horrible when that kind of stuff starts in junior high or even elementary school. Kids are even cruel to the special education students. We need to teach our kids that although we may not feel how they are living is moral and right, we do not have the right to destroy them through words and cruel actions. That doesn't mean we have to agree with them or even be friends with them, it doesn't even mean we can't vote in favor of our morals and convictions, it just means we can't harass them and harm them. And like I said earlier, I would never do this to someone else. I also think that fear keeps some children from acting when they see something like this going on. I'm not saying your son was afraid, but personally, I have always been on the extremely shy side, even getting nervous about having to ask a teacher a question, and if I witnessed this, even if I think it's wrong, I would most likely leave it alone because I'd be afraid of retaliation from the other party, ie. the ones harassing the girls. I think that is why bullying gets out of hand these days, there are some children who would love to stand up to the bully, but are too afraid. I think it's wonderful when children can see something like this and know that it's wrong, no matter what their beliefs. What my point is with this is that NOONE deserves to be treated in a cruel way, minority or otherwise. Please do not attack me anyone. I mean it when I say that I am not going to start in on my views again and I do not want to start another lengthy debate. I just wanted to make a statement and be on my way:)
sorry, I just have to step in for a minute....
Lisa said: "Someone stating their beliefs and backing them up with solid reasons of why, such as their faith, is not a hate crime."
-- The popular boys weren't born with hate in their hearts, they learned through family and/or faith that they are superior to people who 'don't belong' in their faith. Which, in turn could put them into the 'hate crime' group.
Just sayin'...not attacking.
Tiger....I understand that. Kids do learn from their families and other people. That is why smart people, of any faith/ belief system, need to teach other's about showing love even if they don't necessarily agree with or even like other people's ideas/ morals. Showing love does not mean we need to stand up and say fine I'll agree with you. We still have to fight for what we believe in, but in the process, we cannot show the other parties hate or cruelity. What I also meant to get at is that people in EVERY "social class" or "group" are guilty of spewing "hate" towards other people.....there are good, solid people in every group and there are good, solid haters in every group. It's like when you have a room full of people and 10% of the people do all the work and the other 90%gripe and complain but do nothing about it. Maybe that is a bad analogy, but.....couldn't think of another:) I hope this makes sense. To make a long story short, even if I dont' agree with the girls (the ones being made fun of) it's great that Jinxi's son recognized that what the boys were doing was wrong, because it is, plain and simple.
Beautifully stated, Jinxi. I have never been able to understand why some people are so obsessed with preventing others from pursuing their own personal freedoms. When a person is balanced and truly happy within themselves, there is no need to act out of fear and prejudice.